Volume 82: Five Traits Children Have In Common With Old People

Posted on 08/15/2014

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Hello, good people! I’m going to say thank you for all of the virtual “Welcome back!” that I’m getting right now. I don’t want to waste too much time boring you with where I’ve been and what I’ve been doing. Just know that posting is something that I always want to do, and I would love to turn this hobby into a paying profession. I’d like to think of my blog as a virtual resume, but I’m digressing.

Many of you know I have two beautiful children whom I love dearly. They provide me more proud moments and joy than I could ever imagine. They are both extremely talented, intelligent, and (if I say so myself) attractive. With that being said, in one of my previous posts I remarked how God forgot to send the instruction manual when they were born. I mean, being a parent is probably the biggest responsibility anyone can accept so it shouldn’t be taken lightly. But sometimes many times my face ends up looking like this…

BillCosbypic

Bill Cosby states in one of his most famous bits, “God has a sense of humor.” Yes, first He forgets the instruction manual, then He amuses Himself by giving children commonalities with the elderly that make you wanna…. Well, let’s just put it like this, there’s a reason we have laws protecting children and the elderly, LOL! If you are a parent, I imagining you  nodding your head and giving me a virtual, “Yes, Lawd!”

Never fear, your old friend Sillethoughts is here! In my brief foray into parenthood, I have noticed a pattern in children’s behavior that likens them to our more senior members of society. The old cliché, “Once an adult and twice a child” could not be more true. So, I say to you parents and aspiring parents out there, Fight Back! There’s no need to let God’s sense of humor rob us of our prime years living with people who drive us crazy. They have places to send the elderly when they become to difficult to manage. We’re not so lucky with children.

In order to help provide you some sanity, and with a little humor of my own, I have identified five traits children have in common with old people. Once you can identify these traits, you will be better equipped to combat parents perilous problem of God’s misplaced manual. Let’s get started…

Five Traits Children Have In Common With Old People

1) Car-colepsy (similar to narcolepsy) is the condition where your child will stay up all damn day and night drinking Red Bull, 5 Hour Energy, coffee, and a potent mixture of cocaine and methamphetamine but falls asleep five minutes after riding in a car.  My son has chronic car-colepsy. We could be in the car for less than 5 minutes and he would be asleep. That’s fine, but he’s back up running around like a mad man as soon as we get to our destination. I’ve heard of power naps, but this is ridiculous! Seriously, when he was an infant we used to go to a church that was a 45 minute ride from our home. I would pay my daughter to keep him awake in the car. Otherwise, he’d be up as soon as we got home – effectively killing mommy’s and daddy’s after-church nap. Y’all know how good that nap can be. (Virtual high-five).

2) Tourette’s Syndrome. I take that back. Tourette’s is a neurological condition that has an onset and diagnosis. Children and the elderly have “what comes up comes out” disorder. Y’all know what it is. You go to see your grandmother and as soon as she sees you she says, “Every time I see you, you get bigger and bigger. Baby, you pregnant?” Or, “When are you gonna stop and have some kids? You ain’t gettin any younger.” The elderly seem to have the uncanny ability to hone in on and say the most inappropriate and embarrassing comment possible. Children are the same way, ONLY LOUDER!! “Mommy, look at that fat man!” Or, even worse, “Mommy says we can’t stay cuz she doesn’t like your mommy.”  It’s those moments where a murder-suicide flashes (just flashes) across your mind.

3) No Concept of Time. This is a commonality that’s harder to identify, but go somewhere with your grandparent or a child and you’ll know what I’m talking about. They either want to leave as soon as you get there, OR they want to shut the place down. Church, bingo, visiting a sick friend in the hospital, etc. are all places you might as well sit down cuz it’s gonna be a while. But, let one thing be wrong (or disagreeable to them) and “It’s time to go!” Children can stay all day at places that lets them run and play. But if they want to go, they let you and everyone around you know that they are not happy and want to go – like saying it over and over and over is going to make it better. Which brings me to my next commonality…

4) Broken Record Syndrome – They say that the one thing you shouldn’t ask the Lord for is patience. Why? Because, as previously stated, He has a sense of humor and will constantly test your patience. Enter children and old people. The BRS manifests in two ways in children and the elderly. With children, they say the same thing over and over and over and over…(one more) and over to get what they want. They are the embodiment of the definition of insanity. Why? Because, typically, you have a breaking point that’s easier to reach than theirs. It’s a battle of wills, and you will lose. With the elderly, BRS comes from you having to repeat yourself over and over (I won’t do it) and over again. The same question gets stuck in their mind and they ask it at least 10-15 times every time you see them. Sometimes, they get slick and try to switch it up, but we know. We know. We know it’s the same damn question you asked me five minutes ago. Sometimes, I change my answer each time to see if they’re really listening. I know, I know. That’s mean, but it’s not abuse. Abuse is having to answer the same damn question over and over and over… Next!

5) Sugar Sonar – Most people like sweets. I don’t consider myself a sweet eater but I occasionally like a piece of cake or some ice cream, so I get it. Sugar Sonar is the ability to find or ask (aka, demand) for sugar at the most inappropriate time. For example, Thanksgiving dinner has been served and eaten. You’ve just finished cleaning up and finally have found the time to sit down and rest. Two minutes after you sit down, you hear a voice from the other room calling you. “Baby, bring grandma another piece of that cake,” she says as your feet cuss at you for even thinking about getting back up. As you mentally go through the litany of sarcastic remarks, you (and your feet) get up to get her cake. Children, on the other hand, will eat sweets until they pass out, wake up, and eat them some more. Their capacity to ask for and consume sugar is remarkable. That is, unless you’re a parent trying to establish good eating habits. Then, put on your full amour of God, cuz it’s gonna be a fight.

Conclusion

Parenting is hard. Let me say that again. Parenting, in today’s society, is HARD. Our kids have more choices and opportunities than we ever did. However, the more choices can lead to indecision and a lack of imagination. On the other side of the equation, the elderly can be just as frustrating and demanding as a child. Aging parents can be difficult because, in their minds, they can still do it like they used to. Like children, they have supreme confidence in their abilities, which can lead to a long long day. Either way, I’m sure sometimes you feel like you’d rather be doing anything else besides dealing with “these people”. But I say, look again. Revel in your child’s naiveté and their undaunted spirits. They are unafraid to ask for what they want and work tirelessly to achieve their goals. They always believe that they will. It is us that teaches them to doubt. At the same time, relax with your parents and grandparents – even if it takes more time than you have to give. I have a rule. If they have reached retirement with relatively good health (mental and physical), then shut up and listen. We can learn from someone who has lived to see more triumphs than tragedies. They can help us weather our storms a little better by showing us the power of patience. The saying once an adult and twice a child has become a cliché simply because it is true. We “adults” should learn from children and respect our elders because maybe, just maybe, the old and the young are a little closer to God.

That’s just my three cents…

Sillethoughts

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

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