Volume 44: If You’re Waiting to Exhale, Stop Holding Your Damn Breath!

Posted on 08/17/2010


For those of you that don’t know, I primarily work from home. Working from home, as with anything in life, has its positives and negatives. One of the “advantages” is daytime television. I mean, who wouldn’t want to know if the fourteenth man tested is Marisol’s baby daddy? And, isn’t your day more complete after you enjoy the unfiltered philosophy that is Springer’s Final Thought? (If you haven’t picked up my sarcasm by now, please stop reading and kill yoself, LOL!) Anyway, one recent morning, I happened upon the 1995 movie Waiting to Exhale starring Angela Bassett and Whitney Houston. The movie is based on Terry McMillan’s novel of the same title. The movie/book chronicles the lives of four African-American women friends that are having trouble with either keeping or finding a mate. The men in the movie (I never read the book) all have some character flaw that prevents them from being “The One”. Also, these women are portrayed as good, strong, supportive women that a man would be crazy not to hold on to. Exhaling is the symbolic act of finding that special mate. A mate that is truly worthy of all they have to offer. After watching that movie again – and particularly one scene – all I can say is, “If You’re Waiting to Exhale, Stop Holding Your Damn Breath!”

Some Things Never Change

The scene in the film that sparked this week’s relationship epiphany is one where they are celebrating a birthday. It’s just the four girlfriends sitting in the living room drinking wine and discussing the “problem with men”. After they ran down their laundry list of issues, I realized one thing. I realized that’s the same isht women say today about men – and it’s fifteen years later! Why The Face (WTF)! Are you serious? No, really? Are you serious? Throughout this movie (and in society today) the women were continually choosing men that didn’t want them. I mean, they wanted what they could get from them; but they didn’t want all of them: the entire picture. That “problem” has nothing to do with the man. It has everything to do with the woman.

How’s That Working For Ya?

I don’t like Dr. Phil’s style of counseling; however, he has proven to be effective. One thing I do agree with in his tactics is that he points out his clients’ idiotic repeated behaviors and asks, “How’s that working for ya?” It’s a simple question. Simple, yet profound. I’d like to ask all the women that are having problems finding a man that, if you’re finding similar qualities in the men that you’re dating, who (you) is the common denominator in those relationships? So, if you’re the one constant, then continuing to do what you’ve done to attract and keep a man is proving to be ineffective. It’s like blaming the cake for turning out bad when it’s you that bought the ingredients and mixed them. You have to take ownership of your contribution to your happiness (or unhappiness).


I know this sounds like I’m “blaming the victim”; but really, I’m not. I’m just saying that I can’t call you a victim if you continue to put yourself in harm’s way. It doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Here’s my point: You have to know who you are – both the good and the bad – before you can hope to filter through the wolves in sheep’s clothing out there. Knowing and living your truth fortifies you against the predatory and canine-like behaviors of men. Here’s a bit of information ladies: Men are simple. Yes, we are. We will do what we have to do to keep what is important to us. The trick is that you have to become important to yourself first. And I don’t mean feigned importance or bravado either. I mean, you have to take an honest assessment of yourself and be that honest person. Nothing more. Nothing less. Knowing and living your truth will assist you in finding someone that is living theirs. Insanity is defined as repeating the same behavior expecting a different result. Are you insane? And, if you are, how’s that working for ya?

That’s just my three cents…


“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”