Volume Thirty-Eight: Heart-land Security

Posted on 07/06/2010


As I was thinking about what would be the topic for this week’s post, I got a tweet from a friend of mine in California (@6_nine). She asked a question that I have been asked before, but not quite so direct. Also, I have had conversations regarding this very subject with my single male friends that has puzzled me because of their answers and attitudes. In short, should marriages have a contract? The contract would be so men can protect their money, but also so women can protect their interests too, e.g. ironing out wants, needs, dreams, compromises, etc. before the I do’s. Hmmmmmm, interesting. On the one hand, it makes sense to pack your parachute before you jump the broom; at the same time, at what point are you too fearful of losing yourself in a relationship? And, isn’t that the point of marriage? It’s those questions (and more) that caused me to call this post Heart-land Security.

Love’s 9/11

There are three body parts that continue to grow throughout our lives. They are the ears, nose, and feet (don’t ask me how or why I learned that; but it just came in handy, LOL!). I would say that something else grows as we age: Our Fear. Remember when you were a kid? Think back to some of the daredevil feats you used to undertake. I used to jump off damn near anything. I even remember jumping off the roof of the house once (sorry mom). I don’t know if we are more naive or more ready, but we tend to be less cautious about life and love when we are younger. We know that we can make mistakes, but are confident enough to expect to overcome (or correct) them. However, experience teaches us to fear making mistakes. How? Well, the older we get, the more “stuff” we acquire. That “stuff” could be material, like a car, house, 401(k), etc.; or it could be emotional like hurt, loss, resentment, jealousy, etc. The more “stuff” we acquire, the more we have to lose by making a mistake. Ironically, it’s the emotional “stuff” that makes us want to cling to the material stuff even more. We have more control over those things so we cling to them while we search for emotional guarantees. In the absence of emotional guarantees, we cling harder to the security of material “stuff” without realizing the toll it takes on our ability to connect with one another.

Let Go

Last week I wrote about gaining one’s definition, and its importance in establishing a solid relationship. In essence, you must be able to define the one, before you become two. However, you cannot complete the two, if you are holding back some of the one. Okay, I’m getting lost in my own description. Let’s make it simple, shall we? When two people decide to get married, it’s called making a commitment. Have you ever succeeded at something that you didn’t fully commit to? And, if you did, how much did you appreciate that success? When we fully commit to something, we work harder towards its success. When we work harder, the likelihood of it being successful increases. When it reaches some level of success, we tend to appreciate it more because we know what we had to do to make it successful. Business owners know what I am talking about. Even you, in your career, know what I’m talking about. Those of you that have achieved some success in your career did not do it without a full commitment. Why, then, do you expect your relationship to be successful without your total commitment? I know why. Fear.


What have we learned? We’ve learned that, while packing the pre-nup parachute is positive for practical purposes (whew!), it can and has proven to be detrimental to relationship success. It almost seems counter-intuitive. Like, how is 0.5 plus 0.75 ever gonna equal 2? Pre-nups are almost like planning to fail. Entering into a marriage commitment is one that should not be taken lightly. IF we gave marriage the respect it deserves, then we wouldn’t be so cavalier about getting out of one. You cannot enter a marriage already thinking about an easier way to get out. Love is a verb. It requires action, not re-action. It grows faster and stronger when you stick together through the tough times. That’s when the roots grow deep and provide a more solid foundation for the future. Besides, if you walk in labeling what’s his and what’s hers; you’ll never fully enjoy the beauty of ours.

That’s just my three cents…


“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”