Volume Thirty: Springer’s Final Thought

Posted on 05/11/2010

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In true Springer fashion, this post will serve as a summationof the series on male infidelity. I have learned a lot going through this process. Honestly, I will say that I have exhibited some of the behavior(s) that I have learned and heard about from readers. This has really been sobering. Sobering, but necessary for my truth-knowing process. If you are new to Sill-E Thoughts, I have been banging the drum of people knowing the truth in their lives, and living that truth. IF we can truly live our truth, our lives and relationships will be enhanced by the genuiness of the interactions. With that being said, here is a collage of truths for Springer’s Final Thought.

For Men

In any situation where your behavior may be considered inappropriate, you have to ascertain what is the need this woman is satisfying for you that isn’t coming from your wife or significant other? In addition to answering this question, before he is unfaithful, the man must:

1) Identify what has changed in his current relationship that caused him to begin looking at, and thinking about another woman. I mean, when we are happy in our relationships, other women seem to fade into the background, don’t they? They are pale in comparison to your wife/woman and you feel you are on top of the world. What happened to that feeling? And, most importantly, what have you done/are doing to get that feeling back?

2) Once the change has been identified, did you give your wife or significant other the opportunity to address the changes? In other words, did you tell her? It’s not enough to just complain about the problems; you have to truly give your partner the chance to process and make the appropriate adjustments. If not, you are just as guilty as she is regarding the problems in your relationship.

3) Understand that once the “other woman” has been inserted and discovered, your mate will not let that go without some intense and sincere effort on your part – and even that may not be enough. It is human nature to want to blame something or someone else for our shortcomings. By introducing the “other woman”, you have provided the ultimate excuse. Your hurt or feelings prior to the infidelity is second to your reaction to it. In essence, your actions mean more than your words.

For Women

1) Yes, he was unfaithful. And yes, he has broken vows. Now what? Continuing to punish him for his infidelity is not the proper path to take if you truly want to repair what was broken. Is he wrong? Yes. Does he deserve to be punished? Absolutely! But by serving your need for retribution, you are also pushing him further away from you. If that’s your goal, by all means, continue. If not, then you must find another outlet for your anger. You have every right to be angry with him. I’m talking about how you deal with that anger.

2) Society has made walking away easier and easier. The ever-increasing divorce rate is evident of that. You’re angry, you want to leave, and society will support you in every way. Your friends, your family, your co-workers – everything around you says, “It’s okay to leave.” But, what do you want to do? What do you really want to do? I believe that relationships are universally known, but individually defined. You need to make your decision based on your own feelings and desires regarding the relationship. Your feelings alone.

3) IF you decide to stay, then you have to let it go and move on. I know it’s easier said than done, but you must try. There will always be a lingering sensitivity towards him repeating this behavior; however, that likelihood increases if you hold his indiscretion over his head. In this case, you have to forgive AND forget. He is the only one that can’t forget. You must take what you learned from him regarding his feelings and work on them constantly (so must he).

Conclusion

The truth of infidelity is that it is a sympton to the larger problem of communication in a relationship. It began with him not experiencing you in the same way as before. That could be for a myriad of reasons, but the end result is the same. As a result of this he, and his gender-specific inability or unwillingness to express his feelings, acts out in a retalitory manner: aka, the infidelity. She is now hurt beyond measure and is unwilling to accept the origin of his behavior…

The above scenario has been played out a million times with the outcome usually pre-determined. However, does life and relationships follow a script? Do you have to be one of the countless couples that fail because of infidelity? Or will you be one of the few that can rise above the relationships that failed before yours? Knowing your truth will prevent future occurances of infidelity and put your relationship into that rare place where love has no bounds.

Until then, take care of yourself, and each other…

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

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