Volume Twenty-Five: (Wo)Man in the Mirror

Posted on 03/17/2010


Most of us don’t like to be called stupid. I mean, who does? We like to believe that we are the best at choosing who and how we are to be; and, for the most part, we are. So why, then, do we do something as stupid as change (or try to change) for a relationship? That has got to be the most simple – check that – idiotic thing that people do to start or maintain a relationship. Why are we so secure with ourselves when we are at work or with our friends, then turn to straight dummies when we are with someone we like? It has happened to the best of us – including me. I have been known to have a quick wit and have been never lacking for something to say (@yelloboy32 – shut up); but when it came to “being myself” around someone I was interested in, I became someone who I did not recognize. The man in the mirror was someone I no longer knew.

I Thought Change Was Good?

Change, as it relates to the American political system ( i.e., Obama), is a good thing. Change, as it relates to us trying to fit the expectations of our chosen mate, is not. Have you ever tried to break a bad habit? Remember how hard it was? Just think, that was something that you wanted or needed to change. How hard do you think it will be to change who we fundamentally are? I’ll say it. Damn near impossible. And, let’s say you do manage to pull off the impossible, how happy are you going to be? Can happiness be the result if you can’t be yourself with the one person you’re supposed to be yourself with the most? How is that the making of a good relationship? How is that change “for the better”?

Change vs. Compromise

Now, some of you that read this blog are what I like to call Two Shade People (TSP). The two shades that TSP see are black and white. So, I need to tell you TSP out there is that if you don’t change,  it doesn’t mean that you don’t compromise in your relationships. Relationships are all about compromises. Compromising does not mean that you change who you are. It just means that you assess each situation individually and determine how much you are willing to tolerate. Is the difference subtle? Yes. At the same time it is easy to determine the difference. Quite simply: If you are the only one that is experiencing difficulty by the “compromise”, then what you’re experiencing is change. Both of you should be giving (or giving up) something in order for it to be a true compromise.

Conclusion (If that’s OK with you?)

What have we learned today? Change, in a general sense, is normally good. Change in our political system. Change in antiquated thinking systems, et cetera. At the same time, all change – especially changing for the sake of a relationship – needs to be assessed for its merit. Are you changing for the benefit of your relationship, or for the benefit of you? Is this person worth being with if they can’t accept the real you? And, most importantly, are you giving them the true you? Knowing your truth is tantamount to the success of any relationship. Your truth allows you to be fully present, and allows your partner to truly know with whom they are getting involved. That way, the only change they would ask from you will be for the parking meter.

That’s just my three cents…


“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”