There’s no simple or soft or “P.C.” way to jump this off, so I’m just gonna do it. I’ll start by relaying a story that happened to me a few years ago.
What The Brothas Like…
Several years ago, we went to Tallahassee, FL to visit some friends. It was a rather innocuous visit. Old college friends getting together to relive old times – and make some new memories. It was a Wednesday night (don’t ask my why or how I was there in the middle of the week). Back in the day on Wednesday, we used to go to this bar in the heart of FSU, called Bullwinkles, because it was ladies night. There was (for the purposes of this discussion) a white girl there celebrating her 21st birthday with her friends. For some reason, she set her sights on me as her next dance partner; and began pulling on me to go out to the dance floor with her. I resisted. YES I DID! I resisted her advances to the point that she got angry with me and said one of the saddest and funniest and truest statements I’ve ever heard in my thirty-ahem-plus years of living. She simply looked me dead in my eye and said, “You know the brothas like the white girls!” She broke me down with that one statement.
Trend or Taboo?
Again, as a thirty-ahem-something Black man, I grew up during what I’d like to call a “transitional time” in American culture. My generation had the fortune of not directly having to deal with open discrimination or segregation like our parents did. We heard the stories from them, but only experienced it rarely and in passing. I was “lucky”. I was smart and personable and charismatic and attractive (I could go on, LOL!) and was “accepted” by my white peers. I didn’t feel accepted, however, because it was still not cool to openly date a white woman at that time.
Ironically, while I did find white girls attractive, and still do; I LOVE Black women – but that’s not my point. My point is that each year we get further and further away from the hurt and pain caused and remembered about our checkered past. Each year, the taboo of dating white women diminishes exponentially. As a matter of fact, some brothers are to the point now where they openly display and express a preference for white women. We have Black rappers writing entire songs dedicated to the fellatio firepower of white women. And, more and more interracial couples are popping up all over the country. Generation Y or Z is working hard to erase the once permanent social barriers that divided romantic relations between the races. Taboo is being slowly reduced to the board game that bears its name.
Why The Controversy?
If social barriers being reduced is a good thing, then why is interracial dating controversial? Good question. I’ll try to answer using my experiences as the guide. I have dated white women in my past. Yes, get over it. Most of them fell into a category of white women that were curious about Black men. I served as the person that scratched their itch of curiosity, and they did the same for me. I believed all the stereotypes about them and was looking for proof. Follow me here….Because I was looking for a certain type of girl – white or otherwise – don’t you think that that’s the type of girl I’m gonna find? I skewed my sample greatly and, for-the-most-part, found exactly what I already believe to be true. Again, this is NOT true of all the white women I dated, but a significant portion of them.
The controversy is that while I knew why I was or wasn’t dating white women, I don’t believe that most brothas do know. They just know that what was once taboo, now isnt’: that they can indulge in something that was once illegal just to look upon. The Black man’s fragile sense of self is a HUGE factor in determining what he wants in a mate. The behavior is all the evidence you need. If you only go to places frequented by white women; or indulge in activities white women do, then you’re probably gonna meet a white woman who you fancy and fancies you. Don’t tell me after the fact that “it just happened”. It happened because you made it so.
Conclusion
Black men for so long have been marginalized by this society and our own women that we have unconsciously decided that white women are a prize to be sought. We see it all the time in Black culture. It seems that the minute a Black man has achieved some success in his career, the person they choose to share their life with is (drum roll)……..A White Woman. Whhhhhhyyyyyyy? It’s to the point now that I get surprised when I don’t see a successful brother married to a white woman. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t discredit love. As previously stated, there were one or two white women that I probably could have loved in my life. At the same time, you mean to tell me that all these brothers out there could not have found a Black woman to share their life with? That they all have “extenuating circumstances” that made them “not see color”? Or, could it be that once they achieved career success, they went and got the trophy symbolic of their success?
That’s just my three cents…
Sill-E
“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”
Next Week: Who are you improving yourself for: Him/Her or you?
Brittany
03/09/2010
I was with you for most of this, especially on the part about ‘people will find whatever it is they’re looking for’. There’s a big difference between black men and white women who are just “curious” or messing around and those who are actually truly interested in the other person and want a serious relationship.
You lost me a little on the last paragraph. I know a LOT of people feel that way and the white woman as a symbolic trophy theory is well-supported in academia, but the research also shows that although the rate of black men dating non-black women is slightly higher among those with higher incomes compared to black men with lower incomes, it’s still not an overwhelming percentage. When you look at the actual numbers, not just anecdotal evidence, the *majority* of high-income black men are actually with black women.
sillethoughts
03/09/2010
Good point about the anecdotal evidence, at the same time, I would submit that perception IS reality in this case. Is the problem that, more often than not, the successful Black men celebrated by the media are ones that choose White women at a higher rate than the average Black man? The basketball player gets more air time than the university official. Sad, but true. So, those segments of society that has little to no direct interaction with Black men, tend to have their opinions skewed by this narrow media focus.
SoJo
03/09/2010
I was riding with you until the last paragraph. Like you and Brittany, I agree that ppl will find whatever it is they’re looking for. I have dated outside of my race. While I wasn’t consciously looking to date someone that was non-black, I was definitely at a point in my life where I was expanding my social circle and trying new things (i.e. visiting places that weren’t traditionally frequented by blacks). The dating experience during that time was simply par for the course.
I think that the black man/white woman thing isn’t as controversial as it used to be. In fact, I’d venture to say that most of my peers have grown weary of the topic. Yes, there are some successful guys that some of us have always known would eventually settle down w/ someone of another race. But for the most part, we’re still seeing our men marry us.
The only time you still see black women become defensive is when we’re closed into the “she has/you don’t” “she will/you won’t” propaganda.
Andy
03/09/2010
Good stuff. I also thought that your response to the first post made a lot of sense as far as media attention equating to a percieved reality.
I am a white Hispanic raised in a Cuban household. While I am a Latino I have mostly identified myself as a white male. Being Latin has given me a lot more “social freedom” to date outside of my race. But whenever I dated a black girl, my significant other would often deal with more nasty looks or judgement than I ever thought was fair. Why wasn’t it enouh that she simply enjoyed my company? Why did there have to be an assumption that she (or I) was “looking for something”.
I think it’s a shame really. I hate that some relationships were lost die to the ignorance of others.
I wound up marrying a wonderful Latin woman so I guess god had a plan for me after all.
I just want to go on record and say that anyone who thinks that a white woman is any reward for their success is a fool. And I pity any woman who would have such a low self image of herself to allow any one to demean her in such a way.
Thanks for the not so sill-e thoughts.
Excellent article.
Andy
03/09/2010
Ps. I also dated white women, Latin women, short women, etc. I’m just saying that the only time I ever felt like me or my date ever got the stinkeye was when I dated a black woman.
Pss. I’m writing this from my mobile so I apologize for the typos.
K.I.M.
03/10/2010
This is definitely a male-centric perspective. Controversy from the black woman’s perspective may lead you to pick up an issue of Essence and find that the controversy is about rejection/self-esteem. The statement that black men ‘make it big’ then marry white is damaging to the collective self-esteem of black women. Your statement that you are surprised when you see a successful black man marry a black woman is a testament to that.
Most recently, I saw comments in Essence about the cover with Reggie Bush as the ‘sexy black mandingo,’ (or something like that) and several women wrote in talking about – here we have an issue praising a black man….that is in love with a non-black woman. Given that Essence’s audience is black women, I do think that was a poor choice. (Okay so I googled the Essence issue I was referring to and noted that magazine cover had Reggie on it and it was called the Black Men, Love & Relationships Issue). Sometimes men don’t ‘get it,’ but another way to think of it is – what would you explain to your daughter when she’s 5 and 15 when she watches Keep up w/ the Kardashians and then sees an issue dedicated to ‘black love,’ featuring a man who is not in love with a black woman.
I also think that living in the South has skewed my perception of interracial dating. Generation X, Y and Z in the south don’t socialize (disguised as hip-hop night vs pop night). So it’s hard for me to embrace the notion that we’re taking steps forward when I’m in the stark minority walking into Dark Horse in the Highlands on a Saturday night. Or when I hear my European friends were over charged to get into whatever ‘Urban’ club.
Census data shows that in the childbearing age range (20-39), there are 2 million more white men than white women and about 700,000 more black women than black men. So logically…it would seem like white men would be more apt to date outside their race. But talk candidly to a white man about why he doesn’t date date black women (I actually had a black male friend have a conversation with his white male friend and report back to me) and all the stereotypes that are played out in the media concerning black women came to the white dude’s mind as to why he doesn’t date black women. That is in part why I get uber sensitive on the way black women are portrayed in the media.
Zilla
03/10/2010
I had a few thoughts when I read this:
(a) Sisters complain about successful brothers dating white, and white dudes complain about sorry brothers dating white
(b) successful Black women are pretty much tired of supporting sorry borthers and are considering their own options
(c) I’m not aware that gay brothers have a problem with the interracial
(d) if the white woman’s not hot it changes all of the superficial assumptions people make about why they are together
(e) Essence cover-model Black women like Halle, Patti and Tina are go white and there’s no Reggie Bush uproar. Plus no beef about cover-model Mariah Carey marrying a brother
(f) If Essence readers want to clown Reggie for getting with KK, it should be for being on the internet with Ray J and her lack of talent.
(g) They made that movie with Gabrielle Union and The Mentalist, and women could dig it because the white dude was fine and treated her right.
(h) is there a special category of white women who are so fine that the brother gets a pass?
Just sharing, not making a point. I really dig the topics and open conversation on this blog – nice work Sill-E Thoughts!
Dr. Boo
03/10/2010
This is one of the more well reasoned, non-defensive arguments I have heard from a brotha about interracial dating in a while. Thank you. However, part of the issue that I think doesn’t get touched on is the old-fashioned idea that men, and men only, get to exclusively choose their mates, and women get chosen. I think when black women feel confident enough to see themselves as the “choosers,” we might begin to feel less offended or personally hurt when we see a black man dating a non-black woman. I think also, black women like many women of all backgrounds believe the hype that black men are somehow more sexually satisfying than non-black men. This old racial stereotype has sistas believing that non-black men are not sexually attractive, but those racial stereotypes are just myths. There are lots of brothas who are sorry in bed and white dudes who are great. It’s about time sistas see themselves as empowered to make their own choices about their mates and sexual partners instead of waiting for brothas to step up. And John Mayer notwithstanding, there are many white men who are completely open to and attracted to black women in ways that are fulfilling and supportive of us. Ladies, we need to keep it moving.
Melody
03/11/2010
I personally have never dated outside of my race—I love black men!! I can’t think of a white man that I would be attracted to. I am a graduate of FSU and I remember Bullwinkle’s–it just wasn’t my cup of tea. As the mother of two sons I am fairly confident that neither of my sons will marry a black woman—she probably won’t be of the blond haired, blue eyes persuasion—but she will not be a sista! I have made peace with that. My sons have never experienced racism however I constantly remind them of their black heritage. I agree that a lot of black men see white women as the thing that they couldn’t have–now that they can be with a white woman without the fear of being strung up–they are all for it. I have a friend who stated that he dated white women because they don’t have to deal with all of the attitude that they got from black women, white women are considered to be more passive—the confusing thing is this man gets upset when he sees a black woman with a white man???? He used to go on and on about Kim Myles on Myles of Style-HGTV—until he found out she was married to a white man. He went from never missing the show to not watching the show at all—such a double standard…
Pill
03/18/2010
Black men excoticize white women. Isn’t that natural? We all want what we’re told we can’t have but somehow black men bare a historical responsibility to be different. Everyone in this thread has been thoughtful and level-headed so this is directed at no one in particular: my advice to those who’d rather not see black men and white women coupled up (aside from simply getting over it) is to keep quiet. Really. The best way to advance the cause, as it were, is to abstain from feeding the taboo. Throw white women and black women and whoever else into one big pot called “women I can fuck without somebody getting mad” and the phenomenon will take on a less offensive shape, I promise.
Pill
03/18/2010
Black men excoticize white women. Isn’t that to be expected? We all want what we’re told we can’t have but somehow black men bare a historical responsibility to be different. Everyone in this thread has been thoughtful and level-headed so this is directed at no one in particular: my advice to those who’d rather not see black men and white women coupled up (aside from simply getting over it) is to keep quiet. Really. The best way to advance the cause, as it were, is to abstain from feeding the taboo. Throw white women and black women and whoever else into one big pot called “women I can fuck without somebody getting mad” and the phenomenon will take on a less offensive shape, I promise.