Volume Twenty-Two: “About last night…”

Posted on 02/23/2010

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Well it’s more like, “about last week”, but that’s just splitting hairs. It appears that last week’s post stirred up some emotions – both positive and negative. I’d like to say I was sorry about the negative emotions but, I’d be lying (LOL!). It’s not that I don’t care about your feelings, it’s just that (statistically speaking) you’re more apt to tell other people about it when you’re mad than when you’re happy. Sometimes I wish that wasn’t true: that I didn’t have to shock the isht out of you to take notice of my blog. At the same time, there are an increasing number of blogs and bloggers out there so, I need to do something to make mine stand out. Anyway, last week held true to the trends, and Sill-E Thoughts had its biggest week to date. But, at what cost?

About Last Week…

That was NOT a letter that I wrote to anyone under any circumstances. That letter was a compilation of stories that I have heard from both women and men. I decided to write an open letter to all the women out there that have been through similar situations. Sometimes, when we go through difficult relationships, we need to hear that it wasn’t us: that we did nothing wrong and don’t have to change as a result. Sometimes we really do need to hear, “It’s not you, it’s me.”

Men, as well as women go through heartache. We just tend to handle it differently. In a general sense, men handle it inappropriately.  We shut down, become angry or bitter, or try to fill the void with another female. That is where we go wrong. In last week’s scenario, the man was in this relationship immediately after he suffered heartache from a previous girlfriend. He used this relationship to repair himself. Was that fair? Absolutely not! Does that happen? Most definitely. He needed to be in a safe relationship. One that protected his ego and emotions from being hurt again. He convinced himself that he loved her, when he only loved how she was helping him. The reality is that this does happen; however, there are signs to look for if this is happening to you…

1) The movement in the relationship has slowed or stopped altogether. Good relationships are constantly growing or evolving. Like a snake that constantly sheds its skin, or a shark that constantly moves, a good relationship will constantly grow over time. The growth could be dramatic (like an engagement or moving in) or subtle (like him remembering your favorite ice cream), but there is growth. If you notice that the relationship has stopped growing, and he’s (or she’s) okay with that, you might be with someone that’s not 100% invested into the relationship. Yes, even marriages constantly grow. Stagnation is the beginning of the decent towards the death of the relationship.

2) Listen to his (or her) language. Have they stopped asking you and started telling you about deviations in their schedule? For example, instead of saying, “Hey, I was thinking of grabbing a drink with the fellas after work? Is that cool?; they say, “I’m gonna be late cuz I’m grabbing a drink after work.” The difference is the level of consideration for you and your reaction. It’s not that they need permission. Relationship language is full of meaning. Sometimes, we are unaware of how our language changes as our opinion of the relationship changes. Sighs, sounds of exasperation, quick tempers, overreactions, etc. are signs that a relationship may have hit a wall. Does that mean break up? Not necessarily, however, it does mean that something must change in order to get back on the right track.

3) Listen to your…..intuition. Women have a distinct natural advantage over men in this category; at the same time, men do have this ability. We (men) tend to apply it in other areas – like business. Why? First, because there is a psychological phenomenon that suppresses a woman’s ability to determine if her man is lying to her or not. It’s only when she is away from him that those pangs of uncertainty begin to resurface. And second, a man’s ego won’t let him believe that he’s being played. Don’t let him (or her) convince you that you’re crazy (unless you really are, of course). If something doesn’t feel right, then you need to address it for your sanity’s sake. If your partner can’t understand, belittles, or ridicules you for this, then you might be hitting too close to home. When you throw a rock into a pack of dogs, the one that hollas is the one that’s hit.

Conclusion

What have we learned? Well, we learned that last week’s post ranged somewhere between unnecessary/heartless to compelling closure. I guess the final verdict is individually imposed; however, the lessons remain constant. Growth is a necessary component of any relationship. Without it, they will wither and die. Additionally, we must learn to listen to our partners as well as ourselves in order to gauge the growth of our relationship. Vigilance is key, just don’t overdo it. I guess what’s important to know is your truth. If you know your truth, then you are better equipped to assimilate someone else’s truth into it. Without your truth, relationships will continue to be serial confusing hook-ups that are barely distinguishable from one another. Without your truth, the life with your partner becomes a lie.

That’s just my three cents…

Sill-E

“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…”

Next Week: Full Disclosure In Relationships: Intent vs. Impact

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