Volume Twelve (Part 2 of 3): Why Am I Still Single? – Female Version

Posted on 09/23/2009


Part two of my three part series, Why Am I Still Single?, is a touchy subject. How can a man tell a woman why she’s still single? I mean, I don’t know what it’s like to be a woman out there – especially in today’s time. Let’s face the facts, there is a shortage of good men. A woman’s talent pool of eligible bachelors significantly diminishes as she 1) Gets more education, 2) Ages, and 3) Continues to date. The first two are obvious. The last one probably needs (and will get) some explanation. Nevertheless, women are contributing to their own single-ness in some subtle, and not-so-subtle ways. This post is designed to describe and define those significant areas that are preventing women from finding the relationship they say they want. Again, the following will probably not fit someone perfectly; however, see if some or most of the scenarios fits your (or your friend’s) situation.

1) You are afraid of committment. Wow! Yes, I’m bringing the heat right out the box. That was a huge statement to start this discussion. I mean, women are the ones that are supposed to be ready for committment. Right? Wrong! Wrong! (Charlie Murphy reference) The truth is that women can be just as afraid (or more afraid) of committment as men are. What differs is how this fear is displayed in their actions as compared to men. They always get close to a real committment then, “something happens”. It could be a small something, or a big something; but, it’s always something. Or, they always boast about how they’re enjoying their single-ness. Committment requires a level of emotional intimacy that women are expected to have. What about those that aren’t prepared for emotional intimacy? I’ll tell you. They drift in and out of relationships – always ending with “something happening”.

2) You have unrealistic expectations. Guys typically call this type of woman “crazy” or “psycho” because of the acceleration of expectations. You can’t go from being chill one day, to getting upset because he didn’t call you seven times an hour the next day. I understand that’s an extreme example, but it’s how the changing of expectations lands on the man. If you have high expectations for your mate, let that be known up front. If you “scare him off”, that’s better than putting your heart and energy into a relationship that’s not going to work out anyway. Right? Also, evaluate your expectations to make sure they are realistic. And don’t give me the “I have high standards” argument. Hearing that will make me tell you to refer to reason number one of this post.

3) You have too much emotional baggage from previous relationships.I used to ask the women I’ve dated to not make me pay for the mistakes of the last guy they dated. Most of them didn’t heed my request. Listen, it’s human nature to see similar behavior and respond in kind. At the same time, we tend to want to over-correct the same slight by going off on the next man the first time the perceived slight happens. He walks away bewildered and bruised by your berating (say that five times real fast). And, since he was not privy to what happened to you previously, he may think that you are crazy….deranged. (Old school Martin Lawrence reference) If you’re not over what happened to you in your last relationship, maybe it’s not the time for you to start something new. Or, realize what your sensitive areas are and let your new friend know up front, so they won’t stick out behind.

4) You’re listening to your hating friends. Please understand, a single woman’s role in another single woman’s life is to provide support. I get that. Really, I do. But, please tell me why you always seem to take the advice of the most lonely and angry friend in your crew? I mean, you need to ask yourself why she is always available for you to vent to? Why you know you can call her when you want to have a girls’ night? Why you’ve never had to support her through her relationship issues? Friendships have balance. If your relationship with this girl is more one-sided, then you’ve got yourself a sidekick. Sidekicks are great. I love having them. At the same time, you can’t take their advice too seriously. They have no perspective. And, as the leader, you cannot listen to a subordinate. I’m just keepin’ it real.

5) You practice the bait-and-switch. Men do this too, so don’t think that this is exclusive to women; however, women are waaaaaaaaay more sophisticated at it. And, men usually do it just to get laid. Juvenile, I know; but true nonetheless. Women do it to land (I didn’t say trap. I thought it, but didn’t say it.) a man. Before we know it the person that we fell in love with is long gone and has been replaced with the real you. Now, this wouldn’t be a problem if we met the real you at the beginning. We fell in love with a mirage. Is that fair? It’s just about as fair as a man lying to you to get you to sleep with him. There’s a cliche that says “all’s fair in love and war.” If you surrender this potential mate, the overall victory of true love and happiness can be yours. 

Let’s recap.

1) You’re afraid of committment.

2) You have unrealistic expectations.

3) You have too much emotional baggage.

4) You’re listening to your hatin’ friends.

5) You’re practicing the bait-and-switch.

Well, there you have it. A man’s point of view as to why some women are still single. Now, the above may or may not apply to you; and, if it doesn’t, take it for what it’s worth. If it does, please do some soul searching and ask yourself why you are practicing in behaviors that, obviously, don’t work? The definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior expecting a different result. What is the goal of your unproductive behavior? Life is too short for games. Let’s practice being as genuine as possible and see where that takes us. I meet a lot of people and have rarely not connected with someone. Why? Because I am genuine from the start, and remain consistent throughout the relationship. In short, I keep it real. How real are you? And (in my best Dr. Phil) how’s that working for ya?

That’s just my three cents….


Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act…