Volume Five: Please Help the Children

Posted on 03/16/2009


As an, ahem, thirty-something father of two young children, I have noticed two disturbing trends in American culture with regards to our youth. These trends begin much earlier than we start to notice them as a society but, as with any problem, we don’t acknowledge it until it starts to affect us. My one request with this blog is that you see through the humor to the real problem. I have the tendency to use humor to make serious points easier to swallow. Think Mary Poppins and that “spoonful of sugar” thing…

First Disturbing Trend: Punk-Ass Parents!

The late great Bernie Mac used this term in his set on The Original Kings of Comedy film and I agree with him wholeheartedly. Why are we trying so hard to be our children’s friend, that we forget about being their parent? I told my daughter the other day that, “I’m not here to be your friend, I’m here to raise you to be a responsible, productive citizen that can take care of yourself.”If we happen to have a friendship as a result, then that’s just the icing on the cake. Too often we are so afriad of hurting their feelings that we overindulge them. Please tell me how this is teaching them to navigate through the real world?  

I especially find this offensive when EVERY case of overindulgence we find repulsive. We complain about athletes, entertainers, politicians, company executives and their overindulgence that is “destroying our society”. Then, we let the first screaming or crying child punk us out in Target. I took my daughter and her friend to the movies and they triedto embarass me in the concession stand line to get me to buy them more treats. I flipped it on them and started dancing and singing – all the while telling them that “you can’t embarass me!” That small (and very funny) action took the power back from them as they tried to bully me. They got the wrong one that day.

Punk-ass parents fold like a cheap suit in the embarassment scenario. I don’t care what other adults think when it comes to raising my kids and running my home. People tell me all the time how well-mannered my children are. I didn’t believe them at first because they still find ways to act the fool. Yet, when compared to punk-ass parents getting told “shut up” or worse by their kids, my two are angels. Bottom line: Get control of your kids and your home or you might find yourself bailing them out of jail, or whopping your ass when they become adolescents.

 Second Disturbing Trend: The 80’s Love Fest!

WTF! Please tell me whodecided that 80’s fashion was hot again and, can we hunt them down? There is only one way to describe 80’s fashion: HORRIBLE! Leg warmers, tight-ass jeans, sweatshirts worn off the shoulder, BIG HAIR, Reeboks, Swatch watches, Cross Colors, acid wash jeans,  etc. – I know I’m missing a ton. I mean, what the hell was all that about? I grew up during the 80’s and didn’t like the fashion then. What makes people think that because it’s repackaged twenty years later that that makes it better? To quote Forest Gump, “Stupid is as stupid does.”

The best trends of any fashion era will survive, either in its original form, or a modernized version. Like bell bottoms gave way to boot cut, some fashions will remain if it was popular enough and put into the hands of the right designer. What has remained from the 80’s? Nothing. Let me clue you in on something? That’s a goodthing. Some isht needs to go the way of the dodo. Or is it doo doo?

How does this relate to my disturbing trend? Have you been watching what kids today are wearing?It’s like I woke up in a strange nightmare with Der Kommissar and Kajagoogoo providing the theme music. What’s really disturbing is that they don’t get that it sucks. I went bowling the other night and a sorority and their pledges were all there in their 80’s regalia. ( Wait. I think I just threw up in my mouth.) Theythought the isht was cool. I thought they looked a hot, firey-ass mess. All the headbands and jelly shoes were too much for me. Looking like you’re going to the gym is not cool when you’re not going to the gym! So, when it comes to the youth and this 80’s thing, please do like Frankie says, “Relax. Don’t do it.”

That’s just my three cents…


“Peep my ver-na-cular cuz I don’t know how to act.”